MIDNIGHT PSA: Wearing A Mexican Swimsuit On Your Period Makes You Racist In A Weird Way

 By David Schwimmer, Library Town Fashion Critic/Sexpert






Ladies, if you're like me, then you're on your period pretty much all of the time. You're probably eating a hot dog sans sauerkraut right now, thinking about David Schwimmer in a banana-colored onesie. Why can't my boyfriend's hair do the David Schwimmer? And then you reach for the ugliest, comfiest pair of panties you own. But ladies, whatever you do - don't reach for that Mexican swimsuit!


Wearing your Mexican swimsuit when you're on your period makes you racist, for the following fear-based reasons: 

A. You're admitting to yourself (and the world, if you're one of those nocturnal she-wolves that prowls the aisles of Safeway looking for Popsicles at three in the morning while you gush blood from the hole God left in you) that you're too lazy to change a tampon,*

B. Being Too Lazy To Change A Tampon = Being Mexican,

C. Mexico has a monopoly on hideous swimsuits because Mexico is too poor to shop at Target and France took all the hideous pants, and

D. You wouldn't have bought that Mexican swimsuit, you fool, if you hadn't forgotten your American swimsuit in San Diego, having decided at the last minute to tag along on your parents' day trip in hopes of scoring some sweet, cheap, Mexican smack from a "Pharmacy"/"Farmacia"/"Lobster Shack"/"Store That Sells Snake Bracelets And Only Snake Bracelets."

So ladies, next time you're tempted to just camp out for four or five days in those taxi-yellow swim trunks with the fake gold military buttons and the polka dots that look like someone burned them off a gay clown with a blow torch, remember your Mexican friends. Remember black market Xanax. Remember the Alamo. Whatever it takes. And then get out there and show the world that women can still be functional, friendly, productive members of society even though they are literally menstruating twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, three-hundred and sixty-five miraculous, weepy days a year. 




*Idea for massage clinic that caters to women on their periods: "Popsicle Massage." We sell you delicious popsicles while you get your uterus kneaded like artisan bread dough.