The following conversation took place between myself and a coworker of mine at roughly eleven p.m. this evening behind the Wilson Library circulation desk. It is extremely lewd. I advise the sophisticated, the soft, and the generally sissy to skip this particular post, or else go at it with full gusto in an effort to toughen yourself up in the event that you become homeless and have to hear conversations like this one on a regular basis.
Me: I have so much admiration for astronauts. I think you have to be brilliant and you have to be insane to even want to be an astronaut, let alone become one.
Cary: Yeah.
Me: I mean, you have to want to leave the fucking Earth.
Cary: Yeah.
Me: You have to want to be in fucking outer space. There isn’t even air in space! You’re completely and totally fucked if you so much as step outside.
Cary: I always thought it’d be cool to be the guy up on the space station.
Me: That would be pretty cool. You could do whatever you wanted. You could jerk off on a picture of Jesus. Nobody would ever know.
Cary: Couldn’t you also jerk off to a picture of Jesus on Earth?
Me: Yeah, but it wouldn’t have the same thrill.
Cary: Do you jerk off to pictures of Jesus?
Me: No, but I’m just saying, you could if you wanted to if you were in a space station, and I totally would if I were in a space station.
Cary: Do you think the semen would just sort of float around you afterwards?
Me: They must have some kind of special hose for that purpose. You can’t go a whole mission without jerking off.
Cary: It’s probably the same one you go pee into.
Me: Probably. Fucking NASA, too cheap to even buy their astronauts a separate hose for jerking off.
Cary: I think NASA would know if you jerked off on a picture of Jesus.
Me: How?
Cary: Don’t they have cameras on like every part of the space station?
Me: Not in my Jerking-Off-To-Jesus Jerk-Off Room, they don’t. I jerked off on those cameras. They can’t see shit.
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