ARTS AND CULTURE: The Edison Eye Art gallery is on temporary hiatus as the health of its owner, Dana Russ, continues to decline. Just in time to fill the cultural void left by the gallery's dormancy, the Edison Longhorn Saloon has installed weekly karaoke sessions on Fridays at 9:00 pm. Residents remain uncertain about the bar's ability to redirect tourist traffic from the art gallery to the saloon, claiming that the saloon draws a distinctly different demographic than the gallery's usual crowd. "People who love the way Joel Brock's paintings express the haunted spirit of the valley through the deterioration of agricultural equipment are not the same people who get really serious about Big Buck after a few rounds of Jager," said resident Nancy Thompkins at a recent Edison Women's Club meeting. "Maybe so, but you can't presume to understand people when you are possessed by horrible little devils," countered Edison artist Carly Knutzen, of Ewings Court. Knutzen, a respected watercolor and charcoal artist whose work has sold in galleries up and down the West coast, is herself a Big Buck enthusiast, and at press time is enjoying a rekindled relationship with Jager.
ENVIRONMENT: The town cheapskate and super weird guy, Mr. Plankers, submitted a formal complaint on Wednesday to the Skagit Conservation Society for making him pay an additional $0.16 per month on his water bill. The charge has been added to the monthly water bills of all users of the Edison septic system to counteract accumulated damage to the Samish water supply. The funds will be used to sample and test water from streams throughout the watershed and to conduct ecological surveys through Padilla Bay Estuary Reserve. Plankers claims this is a direct infringement on his personal liberty and an insulting use of tax dollars, somehow, and he has emphasized to this reporter on several occasions that "Blue Herons are stupid, slow-moving, and not even blue." Plankers was last observed throwing a lit firecracker over the fence between his Japanese-style rock garden and the Edison Inn, trying to "smoke the drunks out" of the beer garden that occupies the other half of the end lot on Maccoys Court.
HEALTH AND BEAUTY: Recent college graduate and aimless, freeloading young adult Molly Morrow has been trying a number of DIY deep conditioning hair treatments in an effort to boost shine in her already unreasonably shiny hair. "It's the only thing I can control in this fucked-up world," said Morrow as she applied a solution of apple cider vinegar and egg yolk to her auburn locks.* "Plus, leaving wet towels and bowls of homemade hair conditioner around the house lets my parents know I'm still here. Sometimes I think they forget, so I like to let them know." Morrow then turned to an invisible camera and addressed the audience she wished was there: "Are you noticing a lot of stupid shit happening in your house, but you can't remember doing it? It's possible that one of your college-aged children has moved back home, and you are still in denial."
POLITICS: Edison's lone Republican voter, Dave Gordon, was seen taking down his Romney Ryan 2012 sign on Thursday morning, flipping the bird as he did so to a group of attractive blonde children walking to school. Onlookers speculated from their porches about whether Mr. Gordon will express his grief by adding another room onto his already ridiculously tacky manufactured home.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY: Two courteous and well-groomed Mexicans installed a brand new Kenmore washing machine in the Morrow house on Friday afternoon. "It's intimidating as hell," said Mr. Morrow. "We're going to be too scared to run it for a while, but we're happy it fits beneath the tool shelf."
Mrs. Morrow, standing in the kitchen holding a be-meatloafed spatula, remarked, "It didn't look that big in the store."
"You gonna love dis," replied one of the Mexicans.
*Editor's Note: always wanted to use the phrase "auburn locks." Read it and weep, English 459!
