Summer, 2006. KARL ROVE's disheveled townhouse living room in Washington, D.C., where a party is dying down into a sleepover. There are the sounds of drunken guests snoring softly, toppled beer can pyramids, etc. KARL ROVE is lumbering around like a grizzly bear in the background, dressed in a bath robe and an over-sized Ross Perot campaign t-shirt, eating chili from the can and scratching himself. RUSH LIMBAUGH and NEWT GINGRICH, in matching pajamas, lie next to each other in a two-person sleeping bag.)
NEWT: If we were outside, I'd be counting stars. But we're not outside. We're inside. For some reason. Even though it's a beautiful summer night and the stars are probably INSANE right now...
KARL (off of NEWT's tone): I told you, I can't be outside at night. Skeeters go crazy for my rich perovian blood. Plus, let's not forget, even though this is a nice neighborhood, there's a gay black family that lives like ten blocks over, and I know I saw them eyein' my flat screen.
RUSH: It is a sweet flat screen.
KARL: I know it's a sweet flat screen.
NEWT: Point is, we're inside. And there are no stars inside. So I'm counting the little dots in the ceiling panels and naming them after people in Congress. I named three after myself, because there are really three versions of The Newt.
RUSH: You mean, like, the real you, and the you who goes on the news, and then the you who just goes crazy and lets it all hang out?
NEWT: Sort of. You know how in like '89 I was really into American flag ties? That was one.
KARL: That was a good Newt.
NEWT: Yeah. I was like, "How has no one thought of this? We're in America. We wear ties. It just makes sense." And then during the Clinton years I was really into the steak-gargonzola alfredo from Olive Garden. And then the third Newt is harder to describe, because it was really more of an inner zen thing, but the best way I can say it is that for a few years I was just on a plain of perfect spiritual and sexual harmony. Everything just matched up. Everything just...aligned.
RUSH (understanding): Mmmmmmm. I love that, when that happens.
NEWT: I remember one day; it was a perfect day. I woke up, and I made beautiful love to my wife, and I played a perfect game of golf, and then I went on CNN and said that awesome volleyball quote.
RUSH (quoting): "A mere forty years ago, beach volleyball was just beginning..."
KARL (finishing): "No bureaucrat would have invented it, and that's what freedom is all about." <-----------Editor's Note: actual quote from Newt Gingrich.
RUSH: Some day, I am going to get that tattooed on my calf.
NEWT: It should be on a desk-calendar, that's how good that quote is.
KARL: I think it IS on a desk-calendar. I think I HAVE that desk-calendar. Hang on.
(EXIT KARL.)
RUSH:...Newt?
NEWT: Yeah, Rush?
RUSH: I voted for Clinton.
NEWT (sighing): Rush, you've got to let the Clinton guilt go. It was 1992. It was a dark time.
RUSH: It was a dark time. Really dark. I remember, like you were saying about that perfect good day you had? Well, I had a perfect bad day. I remember, I was sitting like three inches away from the T.V., smoking pills, wearing my clown suit -
NEWT: If you're going to smoke oxycontin, might as well smoke it in a clown suit.
RUSH: Right! And so I'm smoking vicodin in my clown suit, watching T.V. like a regular guy, and there's Clinton doing an interview, with that Boy-Governor babyface, and his voice is getting inside my head and reaching down into my heart and making me feel things. Dark things. Deep things. And I just thought...Bush doesn't play sax! Bush doesn't wear tracksuits! Bush can't hang! And so what if God likes Republicans better? If God wanted me to vote for Bush, why would God let Bush raise taxes? And it was like God was whispering in my ear, "Bush can't hang! Bush can't hang!"
(KARL comes back into the room, holding the desk-calendar. He appears contemplative.)
KARL: Don't you guys hate the way black people talk?
NEWT: Karl - first of all, yes, obviously. But five metric tons of heavy shit just got dropped all over this two-person sleeping bag and now is not the time.
KARL: I mean, I was just thinking while I was upstairs, how with black people it's always like, "Yo" this and "Brother" that and "Motherfucker." Always. Except when they're on the news, but then it's like, you know they're really still thinking that, even if they're not saying it out loud.
NEWT: O.K., yes, Karl, I agree. You're totally right. It's super annoying. But right now we need to focus on Rush, because Rush, as it turns out, is way more messed up than even we thought he was, and he needs our help, and he needs us to listen. Right? Am I right here, Rush?
RUSH: No, it's alright. I said what I...came here to say.
NEWT: No, Rush. You been real sick a real long time, and I didn’t want to say anything because your wife makes that incredible banana pie - Rush, only good thing you ever did was marry a woman knew how to make a banana puddin' pie.
RUSH: The amazing thing is she makes it from those little jello instant pudding mixes.
NEWT: Point is, you been real sick for a long time now and I didn’t want to say anything, partly because of the pie, but partly because you’re the closest thing I’m ever going to have to a friend, a fact which all by itself can make a guy stop and think. And I’m worried about you.
RUSH (frowning): Oh, no, you're not. You're not worried. Nobody is. (getting hysterical) Nobody cares about Rush Limbaugh!
(RUSH collapses into girlish, body-wracking sobs, like Nathan Lane did in 'The Bird Cage.')
KARL: I swear, if I had a nickel for every time a casual sleepover turned into a weird gay cry-a-thon because Rush Limbaugh had a nervous breakdown in a two-person sleeping bag.
NEWT (to KARL): He's got Clinton guilt.
RUSH: Oh, that's right! Excuse me for confiding! Go ahead and tell everybody now! Tell the world! Where's CNN? Where's CNN?! Somebody get CNN on the phone and tell him! "Oh, hey, CNN, it's Rush, just thought you should know I voted for Clinton because I was high off my ass on xanax and banana pudding pie and God talked to me through the T.V."
NEWT: Oh, calm down. It's just Karl. You know Karl's not going to say anything.
KARL: You voted for Clinton? That's cool, man. So did I.
NEWT (stunned): WHAT?
KARL: Yeah! I voted for Clinton. Didn't everybody?
NEWT: YOU'RE WEARING A ROSS PEROT T-SHIRT!
KARL: Um, yeah. Because it's awesome. Have you ever seen anybody else in a Ross Perot t-shirt?! That's how awesome this t-shirt is! Look at it!
(KARL pulls the shirt down and out for dramatic effect.)
RUSH (sniffling): It is a pretty awesome shirt.
KARL: Tell me about it! Liberals, neo-cons, dems, donkeys, 'phants, welfare, whatever! They don't care. They go crazy for the Ross Perot t-shirt.
NEWT: I don't believe this! Am I the only one who isn't living a lie here?! What the fuck. For reals.
(NEWT pulls a cigarette from a pack on a nearby table, lights it, pulls out his blackberry and starts dialing.)
RUSH: NO! NO! NOT ANN! NOT ANN!
(RUSH throws himself at NEWT using the hilarious body-comedy Nathan Lane used in 'Mousehunt', but NEWT wriggles out of reach. RUSH lies on the floor like a dead fish while NEWT smokes and waits for ANN COULTER to pick up.)
NEWT: Hey! Ann! - actually, you know what, hang on. Hang on.
(NEWT puts it on speaker.)
NEWT: Ann! Hey! How's the party?
ANN (chewing gum): Ugh. Lame.
NEWT: Listen, I'm kind of freaking out over here at Karl's place because Rush just told me he voted for Clinton, which was really not that weird all by itself, but then Karl told me HE voted for Clinton, too, and that just totally blew my mind, and now I'm starting to question everything, and I don't even know...I mean, if we could just do like a basic fact check, like...if I could just list a few things and you could tell me if they're good or bad?
ANN: YES! YES. GOD, I love being me.
NEWT: O.K....taxes, gays, abortions, social programs, stand-up comics.
ANN: Bad!
NEWT: Industry, Ayn Rand, candy.
ANN: Good!
NEWT: And the American Tie Flag Thing, did you like that?
ANN: I guess. I don't really like ties.
KARL: You don't really like anything.
ANN: That's not true! I like things!
KARL: Like what? Name me one thing you genuinely like.
(There is a long pause while ANN thinks of something she likes.)
ANN: Those little vests that dogs wear.
NEWT: Listen. Ann. I need you to tell me you voted for Bush in the '92 election. Will you just please tell me that?
ANN: ...I don't think I can do that, Newt.
NEWT: Oh, my God. Not you, too!
ANN: What! He could hang!
(NEWT hangs up on ANN.)
RUSH: What did I tell you! The man can hang!
(There is a long silence, during which an air of peace and contentment falls over RUSH and KARL, and an air of troubled anguish falls over NEWT, who continues to smoke and rock back and forth in the two-person sleeping bag.)
KARL: Hey, buddy. Come on. It's going to be fine.
RUSH: Yeah, Newt. Cheer up! Happy face!
KARL: Tomorrow we'll go play some golf, and then we'll go out to Olive Garden, and we'll smoke some of Rush's mom's morphine, and everything will be back to normal in no time.
RUSH: No time!
NEWT: And I can wear my American Flag Tie?
KARL: Of course.
NEWT: And I can get the steak gargonzola?
KARL: You can get ten steak gargonzolas.
(KARL turns out the light, goes to his sleeping corner, and falls asleep standing up.)
RUSH: G'night, Newt.
NEWT: G'night, Rush.
THE END.
